dinner

my heart is splintered
broken and bleeding
ravaged from pokes
and prods of
your endless feasting

- - - - - - - - - - -

There are sometimes that I think it's easy for anyone and everyone to make their life seem better than what it really is. I'm tired of trying to act like I have it all together and in the last several weeks... months... something... I've been breaking free from that. I'm far from having it together.

And I think there comes a point where we need to force our hearts to be honest with ourselves. It's one of the most difficult things that I think I've ever been through, this season of being able to sit and dwell on my own heart, soul, and mind. I've realized how grimy it really is, how corrupt my thoughts and actions tend to be and I've set out to try to change that.

Unfortunately not everybody seems to understand that. Some people don't seem to be so forgiving to another persons struggle. I'm thinking of specific people, and yes, more than one. It's a shame, really, that some of the people I hold closest to my heart are the ones that I think are truly the farthest from it. And it's not because I'm screaming out for help, but for them to come in and just sit with me for awhile (because sometimes anothers presence is all that I need, personally, although I know that doesn't work for everybody).

I think this is partially why I've felt so alone. It's like everyone's abandoning me. Simultaneously, it's also as if when everyone else leaves my side during the fight, God's presence dwindles until I'm ultimately fighting by myself. Let me tell you: there's nothing more discouraging than feeling as if you're in a fight all alone.

I realize that other things come up and other things are going on, but at the same time, my soul and my heart, my attention, as never been more fiercely battled for than at this time. So I'm sorry to all when my attention's not completely focused on what you want it to be focused on, but I'm trying to preserve my own spirit. The poem - up top there - that's directed towards the devil.

This battle's looking bleak right now because it is as if no one is around. I need some hope, some Light, to restore my strength, but it just flees at the sight of me it seems.

Do you see, do you see, all the people sinking down,

Don't you care, don't you care, are you gonna let them drown,

How can you be so numb, not to care if they come,

You close your eyes and pretend the job's done.

---

Oh Bless me Lord, bless me Lord, you know it's all I ever hear,

No one aches, no one hurts, no one even sheds one tear,

But He cries, He weeps, He bleeds, and He cares for your needs,

And you just lay back and keep soaking it in, oh, can't you see it's such sin?

---

Cause He brings people to your door,

And you turn them away, as you smile and say,

God bless you, be at peace, and all Heaven just weeps,

Cause Jesus came to your door, you've left Him out on the streets.

---

Open up, open up, and give yourself away,

You've seen the need, you hear the cry, so how can you delay,

God's calling and you're the one, but like Jonah you run,

He's told you to speak, but you keep holding it in,

Oh, can't you see it's such sin?

---

The world is sleeping in the dark,

That the church can't fight, cause it's asleep in the light,

How can you be so dead, when you've been so well fed,

Jesus rose from the grave, and you, you can't even get out of bed,

Oh, Jesus rose from the dead, come on, get out of your bed.

---

How can you be so numb, not to care if they come,

You close your eyes and pretend the job's done,

You close your eyes and pretend the job's done,

Don't close your eyes, don't pretend the job's done.

Come away, come away, come away with Me, My love,

Come away, from this mess, come away with Me, My love.

--Keith Green, "Asleep in the Night"

this is for you

more than anything
I desire You.
I wish for the one thing
I'm not willing to receive:
more.
It's raging,
this epic battle
for the soul within.
I'm finally granted
the black and white,
yet into gray
spins this heart inside.
So I stand.
Waiting silently
wanting to step in
the weakness of my voice
deafened by
resistence.
Why fight? Why wait?
Peace is battered and bruised,
but it stands,
anticipating that more.
The one thing
I want to receive.
The One that after struggle,
my hands are still reaching out for.

Take a Penny

So I've been thinking a lot lately. I know, I know. I do this a lot and repeatedly day after day. Only recently though as it become the prison that I find myself in every morning that I rise. My thoughts immediately rush into a whirlwind and sweep my attention away from something Greater. If Satan ever has a foothold on me, it's usually with and through what goes on inside my head and what's worse, my heart.

There's this Keith Green song, which I love right now. It's called, "He'll Take Care of the Rest." Basically, it's about different characters in the Bible. They do what God commands them to do. They're obedient to what He asks them to do and despite their struggle, despite their worry, they do it. And ultimately God just guarantees that He'll take care of the rest.

I've been thinking about that being applied in my own life. I need to remain obedient to what God has called me to do and He'll take care of the rest. I worry about the littlest things too, the littlest things that can sometimes take away from the bigger picture of what God's doing. I distract myself unintentionally through my conscience. It's a prison for me, truly. But I think about things like: can I actually do this, what can go wrong, what's going to go right, how do I follow up, will I be alone for the rest of my life, when will I know, when will You move through this, why aren't you speaking to me, etc.

Thing is, I know what God's called me to do. It's what He's ultimately called all of us to do: love on Him. We do that through loving each other because Christ is in us. And I can do this no matter where I am at. I can love on people. So right now, I'm loving people through the ministry of God's that He has me serving through and when I leave in a few months, I'll love people the same.

Mother Teresa said we shouldn't love the poor like they were Jesus, we should love the poor because they ARE Jesus.

Marvelous thought. How intriguing to think that we have a responsibility to love Jesus back and do so by loving each other. What an amazing gift and ability we've all been given. What an amazing gift and ability that we daily deny...

But that's just it. I need to not worry about the in betweens. The "whos" and "hows" that I wonder about all the time. I need to remain obedient to the calling that I have received and He'll take care of the rest.

This is where my faith becomes no longer idle.

To Idolatry I Turn

I really feel like I'm going through an intense change in my life. I know that sounds impossible, but I believe that I couldn't be any closer to the truth.

There's this specific thing in my world-bubble that I idolized. Yep. There was something in my life that I put before God. It wasn't an object. It surprisingly wasn't quite even a person.

It was a chase.

I put a lot of time and a lot of energy into chasing this 'chase'. Ask me about it more sometime and I'll gladly give you the details. But it's true. There were a lot of times that I put running after God on hold, merely to spend time chasing something I so desperately felt a peace about. Thing is: it wasn't time. I totally stepped on God's toes. I completely stepped on my own. Why? So I could try to speed things up. So I could get what I wanted sooner. And for what benefit? Obviously not my own.

I broke into tears the other night when this reality hit me in the face. I was laying in bed, almost asleep when Psalm 32 popped into my head. I tried to brush it to the side, but it was a persistent verbage, so I looked it up.

"Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the LORD' - and you forgave the guilt of my sin.

"Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts him. Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!" -- Psalm 32

I read it over and over and over again. Finally, I decided that what I needed to do was confess my trangressions - my sins - to God. I tried to remember every sin that I committed in the last week. I finally ran out of things to say except one. I didn't want to recognize my idolatry. I felt so good. It felt so great to have something somewhat tangible to hold onto.

But I finally confessed.

I took refuge in God's words, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." Never in my life have I trusted God more with something. I knew for the longest time that I needed to release this to Him, it wasn't until then that I decided to. I had my reassurance from God. So I removed my grip from the issue, from the idol, and I placed it back in His hands, watched Him hold the 'chase' that was really His, close to His heart, look me in the eye, and smile.

I know this is what I need to do. I can never go wrong with chasing after God how I feel that HE wants me to chase after Him. I can't place my feet on someone else's path and expect to grow in it. I'd only be doing me and them a disservice. And it wouldn't be God instructing me. It would be me instructing me. We all know that I'm pretty good at leading myself astray - I'm human.

And this is definitely not an easy move. It has been the hardest two days of my life. I don't say that lightly. Emotionally, spiritually, physically - it's been a battle. There's a battle truly raging here between my flesh and my spirit. It's nowhere near over. I just want to see Satan removed from it. I want God's clear direction. I'm waiting eagerly for him to instruct me and teach me in the way that I should go. I'm anxiously waiting to feel His gaze on my back as He watches over me, as I carry on trying to rejoice away from the comfort of my idol.

***

Also, check out this mans blog. He's a great friend of mine. Brilliant for his age...

Speaking a Generation's Language

--Seth Barnes

As part of mobilizing a generation to find their identity in Christ and change the world, we're launching an online campaign to raise awareness for the World Race, an eleven-month pilgrimage in which the participants take a year off, travel the world, plant churches, and see the power of the Gospel come to life.

Each generation has a specific purpose and language. John the Baptizer had to become less so that his cousin Jesus could become greater. Christ himself believed that the generation following him would be greater than he was. In fact, he promised it to them. This is how the kingdom works, and I believe it for our current generation of twenty-somethings.

Any missionary knows that in order to reach a people group, you have to understand the culture and language. This may take years, because you have to not only know how to speak the words, but you must train yourself in comprehending their particular worldview.

This generation is set apart by their longing for authenticity; they're tired of being lied to. They are cynical but, at the same time, strangely hopeful. And their language is technology.

There is a lot more to this than just being "relevant," which has become quite a buzzword in the evangelical church lately. This is about understanding what makes young people come alive. Jesus talked about nets and grain with fishers and farmers, and so must we engage young people in an arena that taps into their passions.

This doesn't mean that we denigrate young adult ministry to slideshows and video clips. This group has an uncanny ability to see through superficial fronts. But it does mean that we who are passionate about seeing the next generation come alive are willing to learn a new language and get real with them. Please share the following links with the young people in your sphere of influence:

WR MySpaceEntire movements are born on Myspace.com, and this is where millions of young people interface every day. We post updates here every few days.

WR Xanga blogA "best of" from the WR blogs, featuring a new favorite every day.

WR Facebook GroupAnother social network that is beginning to compete with Myspace. Several World Racers have utilized this "group" function to draw support to their ministries.

WR YouTube ChannelWe have two media teams out in the field, sending videos of what God is doing.

Frustrated Superheroes

Do you ever get really frustrated with something? I mean incredibly frustrated with something or someone? Because I get that way. I think that anyone who doesn't get that way is sure to be alien. There's no possible way that they're human. They're superhuman. I don't know any superheroes, but if there's people who never get frustrated on this planet, then they're out of this world. Or not from here. And if they're from planet earth and never get frustrated, then they're just freaks. Plain and simple. Freaks.

I dont' know what it is, but more times than not, I'm stubborn. I'm either stubborn, persistent, or faithful. I'm not sure which one it is. There's no possible way that I should be allowed to be the judge of that either. Because I would always choose faithful. It makes me sound better than what I really am. And if I wanted to be honest with myself, I would say I'm a persistent stubborn. I know grammatically I'm not allowed to do that, but I really don't care about grammar, as you can see.

Sometimes I just feel like one of those punching toys. You know, the ones that little kids beat the snot out of, but when they fall over they just pop back up. That's me. That's totally the type of person I am. Granted, in defense of the toy, it has no choice. It has to get back up or else it gets taken back to the manufacturer and they really beat the crap out of it. I, however, have a choice to get back up. That's where my persistent stubbornness (or faithfulness) comes into play.

There's times that I obviously don't know when to give up. There's times that I just don't know when I need to finally get off the horse, when I need to deflate my drive, pack up, and go home. There's also times that people tell me, "matt, it's time you just move on. It's time to throw in the towel and quit." But for some reason, and in this situation I'm finding myself in, I just can't do that!

Normally, after the first punch, I would be long gone. Yet in this place that I find myself, I've been more than punched. I've been kicked, yelled at, karate chopped, shanked, punched some more, and then some. Apparently any sane person would get up and leave, but there's something else holding me in place other than my own dead weight. Obviously, I can move my own weight. It's like something else is holding me down, telling me, "matt, please, just wait. Be patient. Be faithful."

So that's what I'm doing. I think that I have every right to get frustrated. I'm frustrated because a) I'm not a superhero; b) I'm human and want to leave; c) for some reason, I just can't pack my bags and move on. The last one is probably the most frustrating. Although I constantly allow myself to get beaten, there's something else keeping me in place. A peace. An 'understanding' that I don't frickin' understand. I'm waiting for the day that God will finally reveal that to me.

So.

I'm a frustrated-persistent- faithful-stubborn-freak.

Quite a title there. But it's true.

*for those who wondered, I'm a freak because although I get frustrated in my frustration, the peace and 'understanding' I have helps me overcome it. Yep. Freak.

Who am I?

What is my identity? What or who do I let define who I am? It seems simple enough. And while I can say that it's one thing, my actions don't always reflect that. Maybe putting it in writing will give it more definition.

I am Matthew Lewis Adams Snyder. I am discovering the person that God is making me. It would be easy to root my identity in my job, in what I do for a living, maybe even where I've come from. Or I could pull out the Christian tag and say that my identity is found in Christ, it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives through me. Each response is good in its own right, but each is also prone to a lot of criticism.

I need to realize, however, that my identity is not in what others think of me. My identity truly is in the latter camp: it's in who I am in Christ Jesus. The problem? My identity is constantly fluctuating because in our society we recognize and match people's identity with what they do. I am definately a follower of God.

I can't, unfortunately, neglect my human condition. I'll never, in this life, be able to always succeed in chasing my identity in Christ. Therefore, I am a broken and fallen follower of Christ Jesus. Yes, there'll be days that I have it together, that I can chase after God recklessly and with complete abandon to myself and the world around me, but I'll also have days that I get caught up in myself, that I care too much about what others think of me, and God's appeal becomes less attractive, and I try to make a name for myself. Those are the days that I stop chasing. I stand still and let God turn around and watch me make a fool of myself. Sometimes I stand with my feet in both doors. That's usually when I lose sight of who I am and I forget about my true identity.

The only way to truly find myself is to look to Christ Jesus, because without Him I am incomplete. And there's no better way to find myself than to do so chasing after God, with God, the One who knows who I really am, the One who completes me.

So, as foolish and simple - perhaps as cliche as it sounds - my identity is in Christ. I am a fallen and broken follower of Jesus. Anyone who tell sme otherwise: may God bless them with wisdom and the knowledge to recognize that they're no different than me.

It just makes sense. If God's the one who completes me, if God's the one who can tell me who I "am", then why chase after something else, especially a worldly ideal? It's just stupid. And I do it all the time because it looks so frickin' appealing to me. But then something inside me snaps and it triggers this thought of eternity. This thought that, well, when I die I will be forgotten here. It doesn't matter what name I make for myself. I can always count on people to forget me. So why not become who God wants me to become? Why not become who I am to be for eternity?

And why don't I ever makes sense, even to myself?

A Moral Tsunami Sweeping Young People Out to Sea

Having spent the past month in Africa with the World Racers, this idea of abandonment has really become a reality. This is a group of young Jesus-followers who aren't settling for Vacation Bible school or a one-week trip to Mexico to build houses; they desperately want to see the kingdom of God advanced, and the Lord has been faithful with signs and wonders.

Jesus replied, "You know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs of the times." -Matthew 16:3

As a teenager, my best friend's dad was a pastor of a large PCUSA church who preached on this passage. My friend showed me where his dad kept his pornography magazines in his office over the garage. His dad later divorced his wife who had MS, moved from the Midwest to Florida, became a used car salesman, then died of cancer from smoking too much.

The Bible says, "Don't let many of you become teachers" for a reason.

Most of us are primarily tactical, that is, we're not strategic. Jesus says to pray for daily bread because we tend to live day-to-day. We do what we've always done, not really analyzing whether or not it will make any long-term difference. It is this approach that allows one generation to completely fail in the one task that it views as more important than any other, the task of passing its values and faith on to its sons and daughters.

Because of the enormous disconnect between the way that Jesus raised disciples and the way that we disciple, young people are failing to understand and follow his radical gospel. Barna statistics show that the percentage of teens who are evangelicals declined from 10% in 1995 to just 4% today. One student in six will continue going to church after leaving the church.
The elephant in the living room is that within a generation, the Church in America will have, for all practical purposes, died. Europe has pioneered the downhill slope to oblivion. The seat of the Reformation has become an agnostic's paradise. Its churches stand as empty monuments to a bygone era when families walked to their local parish.

If you want to see the future of Des Moines or Phoenix or Atlanta, all you have to do is catch a flight to Heathrow and ride the tube in any direction for half an hour. Get off and ask for the local church. It will be a beautiful old building that sits empty, but for a few old people on Sunday. That is America's ghost of Christmas Future. About 5% of the population believes in Jesus and less than half the population believe in God. A foggy nihilism as bleak as the weather has settled over the population where once glad hymns were sung.

We are sliding in this direction much faster than we realize. The Asian tsunami offers a good analogy. First, the water along the beach's edge was sucked out to sea leaving behind schools of fish flopping in the sun. The parallel is that faith in America is similarly drying up. We see the individuals who don't make it, and we see the dry moral environment. But what we can't see is the tidal wave of societal change that will occur as the next generation matures and has nothing to pass on to their children.

Given this bleak forecast, what is a true believer to do? Jesus gave us the answer repeatedly when counseling people caught in society's death grip. "Get radical!" Peter Lord says, "Go with the goers.Take the young people you know with a fire in their bellies and spend a month or two ministering in the poorest slums you can find.Leave everything behind. Discover the Jesus of Matthew 10. The following summer, if you still have a job, spend two months in the slums of Bombay. You'll find that Jesus has gone on ahead and is waiting for you there.

--Seth Barnes (www.sethbarnes.com)

I'm Questioning...

I’m questioning
What’s yet to be
Revealed.
I’m on a journey
In my heart and
In my mind.
My feet are
Bloodied
From miles of
Walking alone.
Searching
Wondering
In what should be
Left untouched
At the moment.
The gravity’s strong.
My flesh is weak.
And my soul is grounded.
I’m not moving.
I’m a seed without water
A dead plant without light
When I idle
Intentionally
I bring deaths
View in my eyes.
So the winds blow
The ground shakes
Fresh air expands my
Dry lungs.
And the cries of
Stragnant life have
Been heard.
But when will movement
Prevail?
When will change
Take place?
When will this hope
Blossom in the field
I’m standing in,
Waiting eagerly
For some color
In the black and white?
I’m questioning
What’s yet to be

Revealed.