Safari Morning

Life finds its way of catching up with us.  It’s when we truly realize what Life and Living is that the subtle moments of the day take on a whole new meaning and spring up on us in surprise.  I won’t ever forget the one morning that I was going on a morning prayer-walk during debrief in Nisela, Swaziland.  The sun was still working its way over the horizon and light was still at work heralding in the day.  To my left several impala were peacefully grazing in the grass next to the road, though hawkishly aware of every move I was making.  To my right, ran the fence that kept me safe from the pride of the safari: Lucky the Lion.  And as I traversed the dirt road in prayer, I looked ahead and noticed a young giraffe only 20 feet ahead of me on the edge of the road.  He was just standing there watching me walk.

I kept walking forward as he stood there, chewing cud, and flicking his tail.  As soon as I got no closer than a stone’s toss from him, he tore into the bush, and ended up on the edge of the road about another 20 feet ahead.  And as soon as I got a another stones toss from the guy, he took off through the bush and once again, ended up another 20 feet ahead of me. 

He was playing with me... longing for me to continue the chase.

And it’s in moments like those that I realize God exists.  It’s moments like those that I’m reminded of how God first chases us and then we chase Him.  See – He’s always up the road guiding and leading us, waiting anxiously for us to decrease the distance between Him and ourselves… but as we get ever closer, He yearns for us to keep chasing Him. 

One day we’ll catch up… and return the favor.

 

A Day of Clouds

I’m finding that the tragedy of losing innocence is one of the greatest things.  Some might even say that the obstacle of losing ignorance is equal to such.  I would argue.  I think that innocence in many ways is far more valuable than ignorance, but I’m learning that ignorance is quite the comforting thing I oftentimes seek.

I’m learning that once I’ve walked in the realities that truly face us in any given day that we can’t plead ignorance anymore, and not for the sake of trying to avoid looking like an idiot to others, but for the sake of sparing ourselves some kind of humiliation.  I mean this in the fairest of forms and oftentimes I’m struck at the Truth that I wake up to everyday.  I want to deny it on days such as this, days where the sky is blanketed with a grey that overwhelms me in a way that’s unwelcoming.

I want to find shelter but it’s as if none exists around here.  Where’s the shadow and sanctuary of God’s wing from the storms that plague us through life?  I’m learning that the thorn in my flesh is a lot closer to my heart than I originally thought.  I’m learning what a rude awakening is that grips my spirit every morning as I try to pull myself out of bed and squeeze words out from between my lips in battle. 

And why’s sorrow so easy to express yet joy escapes the form of words?  I can’t get it off my chest when it’s not there, but when it’s there I can find words for the agony and even when I release – the blanket remains.

I hate feeling wet.

Surely there’s a sun beyond the horizon, a sun that pleads with my own spirit to the God of God’s for some kind of relief to the cloudiness that this day’s producing.

I hate feeling alone.

Blowing off the Dust

I’m not sure why I decided to pick this blog back up during the middle of the Race. Something just started stirring inside of me, something that was clawing to get out, and it was a freedom that in some ways my World Race blog suppressed. I know that I’ve operated two blogs before and I seem to do better that way. And while I tend to throw similar content back and forth between the two, I have absolute freedom here. I know only close friends and family read this blog and for the time being, I’m going to keep it that way.

My blog traffic usually tends to be about 50-100 hits on each post throughout time. I’ve had around 300-some before, but here, it’s much more subtle. I usually get around five. And I’m okay with that. I just want to express myself again and to be completely unfettered to do so.

I desire such rawness in baring my soul.

So by reading this, you get an inside peek that no one else is at the liberty to. However, I’m not going to advertise or spread the word, personally. If you desire to do so – more power to you. I’ve had a glimpse of what could happen after I return to the States at the end of November. Writing could, perhaps, become an even more common occurrence though I feel completed unqualified in thought and word. My writing’s gone downhill in a rapidly, increasingly, and spiraling fashion.

Hopefully I can blow the dust of my imagination, my thoughts, and God will breathe life back into something I loved.

Resurrecting the Dead

If one were to resurrect something decaying from beneath the dirt, who would really take notice?

I'm not so sure many would.

But if even one does...

Beginning of the End

This is probably the point in time that I supposed to say something incredibly profound about leaving tomorrow. A lot of people have probably expected me to have spent the last three months in solitude perfecting my walk with God before I go, spending time with Jesus every morning, digging into the Word, praying for little kids in the stores, etc.

But I'm no superhero and I realize that nobody really expected that from me but myself.

I would probably say that I'm the most ill prepared person to leave and go on the World Race, yet I truly believe that God wouldn't want it any other way. I've reached that point where I don't know what to expect from myself that I'm waiting to be surprised at who I become. I'm preparing for the shock as best as I know how, but I also know that it'll never be what I expect it to be. Basically, my expectations have been blown to bits already and since they're lying around all over the place, what I think I expect couldn't be any farther from the truth. It's strange to explain.

The reality of departure has finally caught up with me… about yesterday afternoon. I sold my car to some really amazing people, I packed, and now I'm just kind of waiting around getting ready to say goodbye to some more incredible people throughout the day. And though the reality of leaving has caught up with me, I'm not so sure that my emotions have.

I feel numb.

There's excitement but there's also an abyss resonating deeply in my stomach. Am I nervous? Probably. Am I hungry? Always. I would be lying to you if I told you that I wasn't scared. Unfamiliarity stretches me and grows me beyond what I could ever describe, but it doesn't make it easy. And the fact that I'm leaving all that I call normal freaks me out.

But I can't wait.

The most difficult part has been waiting to say goodbye to the few that I love the most - not that I have an attachment more to some than to others… well, I do. These goodbyes have yet to occur, but are scheduled to happen in the next 24 hours. It exhausts my spirit thinking of the emotion that's going to drain from my body.

Yet I can't wait to be ruined.

There came a point during my New Year's Eve party that I realized 11 months really isn't that long of a time. Some people would beg to differ with me and that's fine - I'll let them because we're all different and we all place a different value on the time that we've been given. I'm just choosing to do this with mine. It's all perspective, really.

So a little over 24 hours from this moment, I'll be sitting on a seat in the sky headed to Florida where I'm meeting my team to fly out to Peru. This is probably my last blog before I'm in another country, but I hope that you continue to follow my journey as I traverse across the globe chasing Jesus. Please send emails, leave comments, and all that encouraging and sappy stuff. I truly do enjoy it.

God bless!

** And this is my last blog on this particular web address for the year. Please read about my World Race journey at matthewsnyder.theworldrace.org**

Cup of Grace

I have some pretty incredible friends. In fact, I think I underestimate them a lot of the time because I don't expect much of myself so, naturally, I find no reason to expect too much of them. But then there are those times that I'm floored by what occurs when we're together and I marvel at the ability God has given us to be His hands and feet when He needs people to be His hands and feet the most.

A few mornings ago I met some friends at a coffee shop in downtown Wichita. I really like the little utopia it is for me so I find myself going in there every day. Sometimes I feel really pathetic because I spend hours there, but it isn't usually until later in the day. This happened to be a very early morning visit for me so I was still quite sleepy and found myself rubbing dreams out of my eyes when I sat down.

We exchanged morning pleasantries and smiled as best as one can smile in the morning. Next thing I knew, we were talking about the most ridiculous things. My friends and I tend to do that but because it was so early and my brain still wasn't functioning and I had no idea what we were really talking about. I just remember what happened next and I'm still trying to process it.

They started talking about this homeless man that comes into the coffee shop. Apparently he comes in there once in awhile, orders something, and then stays for a very long time. But after awhile, hotel management decides that he is a nuisance or something ridiculous like that and has him kicked out. I guess the baristas are told that if when he comes in, if they don't ask him to leave, their jobs are on the line. Fortunately, they're not that heartless and will let him stay as long as they can, then they escort him outside and bog him down with love.

As they were talking about this guy I wanted to walk up to hotel management and punch them in the face. Being tired and thinking slowly, it gradually dawned on me that this wasn't a very Christian thing to do, so I started planning a protest in my head where we throw rocks and cause havoc outside. I think that's what Jesus would do…

The reason they were talking about this guy was because he had walked into the shop. And before I really knew what was going on, another chair was pulled up to our table, this man was invited over, drowned with coffee, and flooded with questions.

His name was Butch. He had an awesome beard (thought I'd throw that in there). He spoke very slowly, but with great concentration. Butch had traveled a lot up and down the middle of the country working. His favorite state was Utah because he made the most money there. My friends continued to bother him with questions until finally they stopped and normal conversation around the whole table presented itself again.

And Butch just sat there… beaming. He laughed. He smiled. He reverberated with a joy that I've yet to see even on my own face that early in the morning.

I couldn't help but think of how amazing my friends are, how amazing those employees in the coffee shop are, how marvelous the presence of Grace is and the intrinsic good dwelling in us all. I can honestly say that I didn't do anything that morning. I didn't invite Butch over to the table, I didn't talk to him outside of introducing myself, I didn't invite him to Church on the Street, I didn't pray for him - I didn't do much of anything. I just sat and stared at him, something that the church is really good at doing with the poor.

Staring tends to be safe. It keeps us at a distance and keeps us from investing ourselves into issues and problems greater than what we are. If something challenges us, then we like to run from it - at least I do. I'm beginning to learn that this is no longer an option. I have to stare myself in the face and decide what I'm going to do that challenges me to live outside of myself.

My friends did a tremendous job of being the Church to Butch that morning. They enabled him to live 30 minutes of one day as a normal human being, infusing him with a freedom to just be. I did a tremendous job of being the Church, too, of remaining distant and watching people be Jesus with skin on while I dreamed of the courage to be the same way.

Maybe I was tired and maybe my brain wasn't functioning, but my heart definitely knew what was occurring. Once again I'm astounded by Grace… by it's unfathomable splendor… and by it's attendance in a man with a really sweet beard.

Parting Ways

I leave in 16 days and it seems so unreal that though this will remain the place that I call home, it will no longer be the place that I feel like I fit. As each day presses on, I grow more eager to push the edges of where God is taking me. Strangely, I'm not even sure where all that is but I like to think of that as part of the adventure.

Everyone has asked me at some point as to whether I'm excited to leave or not. Of course I am but I have an incredible fear in leaving behind all that I call 'normal' for something that's completely out of the ordinary... and then knowing full well that the un-ordinary is going to become the ordinary and I'll come back and expect even greater things.

It's amazing the transformation that God has done on my heart in the last three weeks. I feel like He's preparing me for what's going to occur, but in a very vague sense - in a way that I cannot even put into words what I'm feeling at this point.

I guess the point of this is: I'm ready to leave. I'm ready to chase Jesus to new places that are outside of my senses and what I can comprehend so that I can come back here to the States and infuse others here. My problem is knowing that I already have this itch that I'm getting ready to scratch - only it's going to itch even worst after I scratch it, so I don't know how long I'll remain here when I come home. Fortunately, that's not for me to decide but that's something that I daily turn over into God's hands.

At this point, I'm fighting the desire to return to school and work on my Masters. I would love to be able to teach, do urban ministry, but continue mission work overseas. Yet that may not be what God wants for me. I know that I have the freedom to dream big and I'm taking advantage of that right now. I can't wait to see what He has in store for me over the course of the next year or two.

My prayer is that I don't limit God or myself, but take advantage of the liberation that I have through Christ to take the passions He's given me to the places most out of the ordinary.

Oh... and I still need $7000. Support me here.