...prayer

I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately. About what it really is and what it really isn't. Unfortunately, it only gets worse. I can't figure out either.

Sometimes I wonder what the purpose of prayer really is, such as, why do I even need to bother praying when God already knows what I'm going to say, what I already need, blah blah blah. I've heard that argument too many times for me to even believe it though. That's an excuse. A lame excuse. That's not why someone doesn't pray. I think I don't pray because I'm scared.

I'm scared of something happening. I'm scared that one of these times, God's going to actually audibly speak to me. I'm scared that what I don't know will be told to me, that what I don't see will be revealed. I'm afraid that I might feel closer to God, that I'll become intimate with him. I'm scared that God might actually want to use me to leave a mark on the world. I'm afraid, most of all, that I might actually find myself.

Those are some reasons that I hate praying. Those are reasons that I'm terrified of the One who holds the universe in the palm of his hand. But really though, why do I pray?

I think without prayer I would collapse. I would self-implode. Prayer sustains me. It's 99% of my day. Somehow, prayer isn't always talking towards God's general direction. Prayer is also about listening. It's about thinking. It's about creating, as I said earlier, an intimacy between you and the Author of Life. It's pretty sweet.