Loss at living....

I've been really frustrated lately. I can't quite put my finger on it, other than I know that I've completely and totally had my fill with myself. Seriously. I can't stand myself or the person that I've become. It angers me. I feel like the worlds largest hypocrite. I feel like I've succeeded in becoming America's idea of a Christian.

I'm tired of not following Jesus.

I know people would willingly argue with me and say that I do. Unfortunately, these people don't know what goes on inside of my heart. These people don't know the way that I act when they're not around.

Currently, I've been chasing this stupid idea of Jesus that media and culture and even the church at large has pounded into my brain. It's a Jesus that's okay with chasing himself. It's a Jesus that turns the other way when it sees something it doesn't want to. It's a Jesus that hangs out with people just like him. It's a Jesus that wears funny tshirts. It's a Jesus that listens to emo music and drives a sweet SUV. It's a Jesus that's okay reaching out to only upper-middle class families that have it all together. It's a Jesus that ignores everything he ever said.

That's not the Jesus I encountered.

That's not the Jesus that changed my life.

That's not the Jesus that slapped me in the face.

That's not the Jesus I know.

But it's the Jesus I cling to.

So I'm writing this to say: I'm done. I'm done running after something so shallow. End this scene. Instead, I want something that's going to radically change me. Transform me. I want something that I can share with others. I want something that will ruin others' lives. I want another chance at getting it right, but having the grace to mess it up.

I want to be like Jesus.

I've heard a lot of arguements against that statement. Unfortuantely, I don't agree with any of them. "Be like yourself, why would you want to be someone else?" "Be who God made you to be." I can do that. I will be that. But understand first that I'm going to embrace my role as a disciple. I want to be a disciple. I want to radically embrace Jesus. I want to shower myself in the identity that I now have in him.

I want to be the hands and feet of love that those people don't ever see when standing on a street corner. I want to be the shoulder that someone can cry on when they're beaten. I want to be the one that those people can talk to when they're lonely. I want to be the one that doesn't think twice, but just acts on the impulse of love. I want to love for Jesus' sake. I want to share the story of the man that killed me. I want to see others inherit the kingdom. But honestly, I don't know what I want to be. I want to be whatever this way of living will require.

And the funny thing is, I can't even want this.

I already have it.