Sometimes I get really discouraged.

Today is one of those days.

The pressures of everything are slowly starting to mount up on top of me. I'm already not that strong. The closer I walk towards graduation the louder the splintering of my spiritual and emotional bones starts to get. I'm falling apart. It's like when someone throws a rock up on your windshield when you're driving down the highway. It leaves a dent and the more bumps you hit, the bigger the ding gets. It starts to splinter. Then the heart of the matter starts to scratch its way across the rest of your vision until you're finally staring through spider-veins.

I'm staring through spider-veins.

No, no, no. I'm not talking about the ones that old ladys get on their legs. That's disgusting. I'm talking about the spider-veins on my own spiritual and emotional station-wagon. Why a station-wagon? Because they suck. I was going to say a mini-van, but my life is and probably never will be that bad. God has at least blessed me with a station-wagon. My motto: mini-vans are never cool. Therefore, God will one day curse... I mean "bless" me with one someday. This is all irrelevant to anything that I'm wanting to say though.

I just want to say that I'm a basketcase. I've totally taken control of my own life... or at least I say that. I know I don't beleive it. The problem? I'm TRYING to take control of my life out of God's hands. I know, I know. That's probably the worst thing that a person could ever do. But for some reason, I have to have some sort of control in any and every situation. Right now it's been awfully hard for me to do that.

I'm graduating in about 2-3 weeks. I've accepted a full-time job that I'm very hestitant about even pursuing. I'm still not having any luck in the relationship department (however, this is probably the one part of my life that I'm completely comfortable with God having control over. It took me about 21 yrs. to get to this point, but hey, I'm there now.) My parents don't want to let go of me. I want my parents to let go of me. Everyone's telling me what to do. I'm telling me what to do. In some cases, I tell others what to do... or tell them what to tell me to do in a round-about way. I'm poor. I'm okay with being poor. A lot of people I know don't trust me being poor. I hate Christianity in America. I hate mega-churches in America, therefore, I'm having problems wanting to work at this church that I accepted a full-time position at. And there's more. But after writing all of this, I'm thinking way too positively to list anything any more negative.

What's the cool thing about all of that?

I have no control over any of it.

Who does? You guessed it: GOD. I should probably take comfort in that, huh? Maybe I'll start now...