becoming

I think that one of the most humbling things that can happen to a person is when they realize how completely and utterly selfish they are. They can go for months thinking that they're really concerned for others' needs when ultimately, they cannot even begin to see past their own. It would be safe to say that I came to this humbling reality tonight.

I realized tonight that I am the most selfish person I know. It took a lot of reflection and a lot of convincing myself that I wasn't allowed to deny it anymore.

I am selfish.

Geez. Those are actually incredibly tough words for me to shove in my face, especially when I don't even want to eat them. But it's true. I realized tonight that I am the most selfish person I know. And I am fully aware that every person would undoubtedly argue that THEY'RE the most selfish person they know, but alas, they would merely be sorely mistaken. They know the truth even when they don't want to admit it: Matt is really into himself.

Why is this a tough reality for me to swallow? It's probably that I've definately put my own needs above the needs of God. I've gracefully looked past everything that God needs me to do to only put my needs, my wants, and my human desires on this giant pedestal for the entire world to gawk at. But frankly, the world doesn't care. It has its own needs, wants, and desires. I mean, there's a lot that I want. I don't want to be lonely. I want to have a job. I want to know what I'm doing. I really want to be accepted to the World Race. I want this girl, a new camera, a new laptop, and new car, blah blah blah. All the time I've purposively walked blindly to something...

It's not about me.

"Not to us, but to Your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness." (Ps. 115.1)

Yeah. It's not about me. It's about God. It's about God's glory. It's about seeking Him, His needs, His wants, His desires, and His purposes, all for His glory. Not Matt's. Not yours. "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself." Two simple commands. Two simple commands that require us to deny ourselves. I distinctly remember reading other places in the scriptures where Jesus calls us to deny ourselves, to take up our cross, and follow Him.

I sure have done a good job of screwing that up.

"It is not the dead who praise the LORD, those who go down to silence; it is we who extol the LORD, both now and forevermore. Praise the LORD." (Ps. 115.17-18)

The dead don't praise God. The LIVING praise God. Am I really living when I'm living for myself? Am I truly living my life to the fullest when I'm seeking my own desires? I need to seek God. I need HIS grace to strip me of my selfishness. Praise Him that I've received that ability!

But really, I'm still selfish. I just don't deny it anymore.