dinner

my heart is splintered
broken and bleeding
ravaged from pokes
and prods of
your endless feasting

- - - - - - - - - - -

There are sometimes that I think it's easy for anyone and everyone to make their life seem better than what it really is. I'm tired of trying to act like I have it all together and in the last several weeks... months... something... I've been breaking free from that. I'm far from having it together.

And I think there comes a point where we need to force our hearts to be honest with ourselves. It's one of the most difficult things that I think I've ever been through, this season of being able to sit and dwell on my own heart, soul, and mind. I've realized how grimy it really is, how corrupt my thoughts and actions tend to be and I've set out to try to change that.

Unfortunately not everybody seems to understand that. Some people don't seem to be so forgiving to another persons struggle. I'm thinking of specific people, and yes, more than one. It's a shame, really, that some of the people I hold closest to my heart are the ones that I think are truly the farthest from it. And it's not because I'm screaming out for help, but for them to come in and just sit with me for awhile (because sometimes anothers presence is all that I need, personally, although I know that doesn't work for everybody).

I think this is partially why I've felt so alone. It's like everyone's abandoning me. Simultaneously, it's also as if when everyone else leaves my side during the fight, God's presence dwindles until I'm ultimately fighting by myself. Let me tell you: there's nothing more discouraging than feeling as if you're in a fight all alone.

I realize that other things come up and other things are going on, but at the same time, my soul and my heart, my attention, as never been more fiercely battled for than at this time. So I'm sorry to all when my attention's not completely focused on what you want it to be focused on, but I'm trying to preserve my own spirit. The poem - up top there - that's directed towards the devil.

This battle's looking bleak right now because it is as if no one is around. I need some hope, some Light, to restore my strength, but it just flees at the sight of me it seems.