I really feel like I'm going through an intense change in my life. I know that sounds impossible, but I believe that I couldn't be any closer to the truth.
There's this specific thing in my world-bubble that I idolized. Yep. There was something in my life that I put before God. It wasn't an object. It surprisingly wasn't quite even a person.
It was a chase.
I put a lot of time and a lot of energy into chasing this 'chase'. Ask me about it more sometime and I'll gladly give you the details. But it's true. There were a lot of times that I put running after God on hold, merely to spend time chasing something I so desperately felt a peace about. Thing is: it wasn't time. I totally stepped on God's toes. I completely stepped on my own. Why? So I could try to speed things up. So I could get what I wanted sooner. And for what benefit? Obviously not my own.
I broke into tears the other night when this reality hit me in the face. I was laying in bed, almost asleep when Psalm 32 popped into my head. I tried to brush it to the side, but it was a persistent verbage, so I looked it up.
"Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the LORD' - and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
"Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts him. Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!" -- Psalm 32
"Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts him. Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!" -- Psalm 32
I read it over and over and over again. Finally, I decided that what I needed to do was confess my trangressions - my sins - to God. I tried to remember every sin that I committed in the last week. I finally ran out of things to say except one. I didn't want to recognize my idolatry. I felt so good. It felt so great to have something somewhat tangible to hold onto.
But I finally confessed.
I took refuge in God's words, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." Never in my life have I trusted God more with something. I knew for the longest time that I needed to release this to Him, it wasn't until then that I decided to. I had my reassurance from God. So I removed my grip from the issue, from the idol, and I placed it back in His hands, watched Him hold the 'chase' that was really His, close to His heart, look me in the eye, and smile.
I know this is what I need to do. I can never go wrong with chasing after God how I feel that HE wants me to chase after Him. I can't place my feet on someone else's path and expect to grow in it. I'd only be doing me and them a disservice. And it wouldn't be God instructing me. It would be me instructing me. We all know that I'm pretty good at leading myself astray - I'm human.
And this is definitely not an easy move. It has been the hardest two days of my life. I don't say that lightly. Emotionally, spiritually, physically - it's been a battle. There's a battle truly raging here between my flesh and my spirit. It's nowhere near over. I just want to see Satan removed from it. I want God's clear direction. I'm waiting eagerly for him to instruct me and teach me in the way that I should go. I'm anxiously waiting to feel His gaze on my back as He watches over me, as I carry on trying to rejoice away from the comfort of my idol.
***
Also, check out this mans blog. He's a great friend of mine. Brilliant for his age...
But I finally confessed.
I took refuge in God's words, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." Never in my life have I trusted God more with something. I knew for the longest time that I needed to release this to Him, it wasn't until then that I decided to. I had my reassurance from God. So I removed my grip from the issue, from the idol, and I placed it back in His hands, watched Him hold the 'chase' that was really His, close to His heart, look me in the eye, and smile.
I know this is what I need to do. I can never go wrong with chasing after God how I feel that HE wants me to chase after Him. I can't place my feet on someone else's path and expect to grow in it. I'd only be doing me and them a disservice. And it wouldn't be God instructing me. It would be me instructing me. We all know that I'm pretty good at leading myself astray - I'm human.
And this is definitely not an easy move. It has been the hardest two days of my life. I don't say that lightly. Emotionally, spiritually, physically - it's been a battle. There's a battle truly raging here between my flesh and my spirit. It's nowhere near over. I just want to see Satan removed from it. I want God's clear direction. I'm waiting eagerly for him to instruct me and teach me in the way that I should go. I'm anxiously waiting to feel His gaze on my back as He watches over me, as I carry on trying to rejoice away from the comfort of my idol.
***
Also, check out this mans blog. He's a great friend of mine. Brilliant for his age...
Keeping you in my prayers.
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