7:51pm

There's so much that I'm starting to question now, especially about myself and why I even believe what I believe. It's like I'm still going through the process where I'm making my faith my own and not my friends' adaptations of it or some obscene ideas of it. I want to make faith something deeper for me, something much more real; because I just know that's what it is. I almost feel that I have the desire sometimes to jump on a spiritual-bandwagon that's become so popular, but I also know that that's not what I'm doing at all. I felt a conviction deep-down inside and I've tried my hardest to not stray from that conviction.

What was the conviction?

Just that the way faith has developed in my life has been very religious, like there's steps involved before we're allowed to go deeper. We've become so clean on the outside that it covers what's really going on on the inside. Christians in America, especially, have become more and more like pharisees that don't know how to do dishes. And frankly, I've grown really sick and tired of it. I don't want a part of it anymore.

I've been really overcome by this idea of chasing after Jesus and latching onto what he's doing here. Church, where I've grown to know it, is really detached from that. My conviction has been to take the words of Christ literally, to heart, and to allow them to drive me to action. I think deep down that the church wants to do that too, but it has become so misled and corrupted. It just took stepping out of it to realize this.

And while it would be easier to sit outside the doors and insult it, my heart wants to see the church cured - to see it purified. I just think that the best way to do that isn't to tell them (to talk about it removed from action - a lot like they already teach on matters of faith), but to show them, to inspire and drive them to change, to actually pursue love as a unified body over all barriers, even denominational ones. There's no denominations in the kingdom of God, so why do we let them be created?

There's a lot to say about Jesus and the message he preached, that he lived out and actually saw come about. But it amazes me how we've allowed our theological and weak interpretations cloud the mission. Jesus' message wasn't a secret, so why do we approach it like it is?

I realize that Jesus spoke in parables, but it wasn't to confuse us. It was necessary to cause us to search deeper, deeper than the Christian message that the world is somehow feeding us through "Christian" circles. And the meaning behind them helps us grasp understanding. Jesus was very clear when he said, "repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." It's at hand?! It's here! What's so confusing about that?

If we follow Jesus' example and just quit talking about following him, I bet you anything that this entire world would be changed in a radical way. That's our problem. We talk about things too much. So let's stop being lazy and do something already.