what now

I've reached this point where I'm not even sure. I feel like I'm sitting on a fence, completely unbalanced. On one side is the World Race and on the other is Wichita. And I feel like I can't balance it anymore.

It's getting more and more difficult as time draws nearer that I think to myself: is this really the right decision? A friend and I were talking about running - like running away from life, from problems, from things when they get hard. Yeah. That's me. I feel like I'm running away from home because, well, home has gotten difficult. But I feel like I'm trying to run toward something else that I don't even know if it's me or not. I guess I don't even know who I really am in some ways, yet I do I'm just afraid to own up to it - that requires commitment, which is something I might struggle with in some ways.

There's so much here that I like though, people that I love, people that maybe I'm not even sure how to love. There's a whiff of a future but it's still distant. I know I'll be back here, I just don't know for how long. I have such a restless spirit. I don't know that I could be tied down to one place for a long time. I think that's why I like traveling. It's always nice to have a place to come back to though. And I desire so much to share that with somebody.

I guess there's unfamiliarity with me and being obedient to God, especially to this degree. Him telling me to leave the country and me actually doing it is huge. I'm leaving so much behind, which maybe doesn't seem that much to you, but it is to me. And I'm not talking about things. I have things. It's easy to leave 'things' for a time. I'm talking about people. It's going to be so hard leaving the people in my life behind.

And you would think that after 23 years I would have 100s of people to leave behind. I probably do, but I only have a handful that I'm going to truly miss. I wrote a blog at one point about my 'five or less'. It's still true. I'm going to miss my five or less. These are the persons that I'm HIGHLY invested in. One of them wasn't even supposed to be here, but returned before I left, which has really messed with me. Another I really worry about. I don't know what's going to become of him. He's a true brother to me in a lot of ways that I've never been to him. I'm rather a poor friend. And there's yet another that I wonder if she'll ever slow down and just breathe.

I just don't have the heart to leave these people behind, especially when I desire so much for them and with them.

I've never been to this point where I've completely been pissed off at God, but now is probably one of them. I just can't stand it. Why? I wish I could take them with me.