"Love your enemies."

That's a high calling. It's definitely not something that I would choose to do by instinct. If I followed my instinct, I would probably want to continuously punch my enemies in the face. I'm not going to lie. I know, I know... that's not something Jesus would do. Too bad we're talking about what I want to do... not Jesus. My will is a lot more important than Jesus', right?

And maybe that's my problem. Maybe when I need to be like Jesus the most are the times that I would much rather be like me - the incomplete me that is, the one who is without or once in awhile denies the calling of Jesus. I'm pretty good at rejecting the desire to yearn for the Spirit's direction at times. The funny and humbling thing is: I know when I do it, when I reject that thirst.

I don't want to follow Jesus when things sometimes get too tough. I mean, love my enemies? Really? That's hard. It's like trying to keep me from eating ice cream... only a lot harder than that. I think that people sugarcoat it though or dramatize it, making love seem easier or less significant than what it really is. Loving God is not for pushovers. It's a distinctly high calling that's incredibly hard to embrace. Loving God, which essentially means loving your enemies as well, is for 'bad-asses'. I can't believe I just wrote that, but in my culture it makes the concept of loving God easier to understand... and probably cooler because I used a cussword.

Back to loving my enemies...

What does that even look like?

"Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." (Mark 12.29-31).

Dang that sucks. I think that it's important to note that we must love God before we love our enemies (a.k.a. our neighbor). Wait? What the -?! How dare I compare our enemies and neighbors! What was I thinking? What's wrong with me?! I mean to say that they're one in the same? Aren't my neighbors the ones who are for me and my enemies are the ones who are against me?

No.

First of all - loving God is not for the faint at heart, as I've said. I'm to love God with absolutely everything that I've got. When I love him with my heart, I surrender all my passions to Him. When I love Him with all my soul, I sacrifice all that makes me 'me' to Him. When I love Him with all my mind, I give away all my dreams to Him. And when I love Him with all my strength, I forgo all of my own efforts to His service and to His will. Loving my God requires ALL of me - to the very last ounce of who I am. It's more than obedience because love that demands this much asks for more than that. It asks for life where the return is better life itself.

And this same God turns around and asks us to also love our neighbor? Our enemies? Christianity is for REAL men (or women, don't worry ladies, I know you read this...)

We have this idea that anybody who is against us is our enemy. In some cases, I think this is the truth, especially in football or any other sport where the opposing team is trying to defeat you and your ugly face. I don't have a lot of respect for sports because marching band was never considered one (even though it was on ESPN the other day). That's kind of a sore spot with me. Marching band takes more out of a person than getting caught in a stampede of eleven 250lb. jocks. Then again, I've never been caught in a stampede of eleven 'cattle'...

But truly, I think that it's important for us to not draw a line between us and our neighbor. It's damaging to the love we're able to pour forth if we view everybody as our enemies. And I think as human beings it's easy for us to selfishly view someone as an enemy if they offend us, if they do something 'human' to us. It's almost like we have no tolerance for it anymore or something and we want to inadvertently shut them down - so we treat them like jocks treat the chess club. It's just not cool! And it really takes away from your manliness (or woman-ness...). When are we going to start actually loving people without regard to their human characteristics?

I think Christians in America, and probably in the world at large, are pretty good at creating enemies. That's right. Christians create enemies... because sometimes Christians suck at love.

And I'll humbly admit: I'm a Christian that sucks at love.

Church Attendance

Please take this for what it is... sarcasm.

www.thechurchyouknow.com

the lovely Brenna Powers, has spoken...

Yep. Go check out her blog - all the way from Africa! This girl is something else...

*she also called me and said that it's like everybody's waiting for something to happen in Africa, like they're just sitting around and... waiting. I found that interesting.

But really, go leave her some love - even if you don't know her. And Jami, keep it clean... ;)

proving faith?

I want to serve God more passionately than what I already do. I've noticed that the more I serve in one area, the deeper I must go inside of it. Take what happened at church for example.

I was able to talk with Grant* today. The thing to remember about Grant - despite the fact that he's 'crazy' - is that he's a faithful member of Church on the Street and he's Muslim. He says he doesn't come because he's homeless - he's not. He doesn't come for the free meal - though admittedly it's good. And he doesn't come out of boredom. No, Grant comes because of the people there, because of the environment. It's something he's never encountered before. (The bad part is that this paragraph does no justice in describing anything about this guy.)

Regardless, we were able to have a deep conversation about our religions. It was in that moment that I realized how scared I am of deep theological conversations with nonbelievers. I'll sit down and hammer things out with other believers because we all believe the other person is wrong anyway. But with nonbelievers it's different. It's almost because I feel there's something on the line, not just their salvation... but my dignity. Like if I can't answer every question then I look like a complete fool - and not just me, but my whole belief system.

Maybe I know my problem.

I was really challenged by Church on the Street for the longest time because just stepping out and talking to complete strangers was hard enough for me. Now I'm being challenged to go deeper with them than just surface level. And maybe I'm afraid of leading them down the wrong path or worst yet, I'm afraid of being wrong.

But all this is probably because I'm approaching these conversations the wrong way in the first place. I don't need to prove anything about my faith that I already know is true. If I do, then it's because I don't already believe it myself. I need to stop looking at these people, such as Grant, as someone that I need to prove my faith to or that I get to save. These are people searching for the truth and I get the opportunity to guide them towards that - towards Jesus (the one who REALLY does the saving).

Truly, until I do this, I doubt that I will personally see someone come to Christ (yes, I'll admit that in the last 4+ years I've spent in ministry, I've never led anyone to Christ). I need to get over myself, my fears, and embrace all of what I know to be true and let it change me because at this point, I have nothing to prove.

*names have been changed

fear

I'm afraid to start new. I know that sounds completely ridiculous but it couldn't be closer to the truth that I've found myself running from in the last 24 hours. You might be thinking: Matt, what could you possibly be talking about? Relationships? Faith? No. I'm not talking about any of that.

Sometimes I fear change. I've found it a challenge that I've had to deal with in the last week, but that's not the change that's really causing me problems right now. The change I'm talking about it my new journal.

I'm afraid to bloody its pages with my life, with my endless droning and amusing attempts at writing, with my stories and my history, with everything I've tried to be and failed to become. So I've gone an entire day - up to this point - without writing in my journal. The pages have been left unscathed, though the pockets are packed with photos, letters, and memories of friends who've gone away for some time. Maybe I need to find a way to turn those photos, letters, and memories into words all my own, words that I can write into a legacy on paper.

I'm not sure. I just know that at this point, I fear a little dirt.

When Sacrifice Hurts

My friend Jimmy McCarty is on the World Race currently ministering in Cambodia. His post on sacrifice really hit home with me. Read it. Enjoy it. It's beautifully painful.

"I will not sacrifice to the Lord that which costs me nothing." (2 Samuel 24:24) David refused to insult his God with an offering that did not infringe on his comfort. The widow's mite was viewed as more valuable and more worthy to be acknowledged than the wealthy contributions of the elite. The rich young ruler went away sad when the price of inheriting eternal life required selling everything he had.

These stories haunt me not because scripture is implying wealth is sinful or that gifts should be distained - but because Jesus saw the heart of the matter: idolatry. Idols are not merely sculpted figures representing some demonic substitute for the one, true God. Idols are a matter of the heart - a devotion to something other than who God is.

In March, I walked down the beaches of Lake Nicaragua with a friend and had the discussion of what truly loving God meant. On one perspective, loving God and loving others are incredibly simplistic commands! We've complicated them into programs and committees when the devotion to God alone is all that is needed. However, from my perspective, in that brief moment I understood what had haunted me for so long: loving God was truly the hardest thing God has ever asked of me.

To love God with all my mind means that no thought, no daydream, no object, no idea, no logic - nothing distracts me from my one and only motivation of loving God with the entirety of my mind. To love God with my heart means that every emotion, every ounce of ego, every sense I perceive is directed wholly on who God is and desires to glorify Him. To love God with all my strength means every effort I make, every place I go, every action I initiate (or refrain from initiating) is ultimately to the glorification of God the Father.

I've said recently that God doesn't always want the things that are easy to give up. For example, I couldn't care less about what car I drive. The only purpose for owning a vehicle is to get me from point A to point B, cosmetics, power, color - none of it matters to me at all. However, I love people. I desperately desire the closeness of friends and love ministry and service to others. In the last several months, God's asked it of me. Am I willing to face loneliness? Am I willing to serve in obscurity or in the background? Am I willing to surrender that which is most important to me to follow Christ above all?

A hot topic of discussion between World Racers has been of Abraham and Isaac. In the Biblical narrative, Isaac not only represented a future for Abraham and Sarah, he was the promise of a legacy. He was the redemption of God's people, he was, by all accounts and purposes, a good thing.

It's the most frustrating of all when God asks for the good things. Why would he ask me to relinquish a ministry I love? Why would he ask me to remain single when I so desire to get married? Why would he take me around the world and leave the comforts of home? All innately good things - yet ones God is requesting me to relinquish.

You see, David had it right. In 2 Samuel 24:24 David comments how he refuses to sacrifice something to the Lord that costs him nothing. It's not the act of sacrifice that's important, it is the statement, the accountability that nothing stands in the way of my devotion to Christ. God Himself says that he doesn't delight in burnt offerings but a broken and contrite heart.

He wants me. He wants my devotion, my commitment.

We worry so much about protecting the things that are important to us. We surrender all until it hurts. We've stopped asking things of God because of what it might cost us. Brokenness is a noble prayer to pray until God answers it. Dependence on God, trust in Him - all good things, until He truly puts us in a position of desperation - then we react.

Abraham's sacrifice was complete, it was a surrender even of the best he had. Isaac was even a promise from God - something especially given, an answer to prayer. Yet, God asked for it back. Abraham was obedient with no hope of redemption. He wasn't entitled to a legacy, to a relationship with his son, to a gift from God, to a promise fulfilled. He didn't deserve to have what he had been given, he didn't deserve the miracle or the grace. He had no right to receive what he did, he had no merit that earned him what he was given. God didn't ask for his camels or his offerings or his livelihood - he asked for that which was most important. The sacrifice itself wasn't what was important, God wanted Abraham - and he got him.

If this is true discipleship: to deny ourselves and take up our cross to follow Christ. If we are to follow Christ's example of making ourselves nothing. If we truly want to live a life devoted to Christ, it's time to live open-handed. God's not calling all of us to poverty - but if He did, would you give everything up? God's not calling us to rags - but if He did, would you follow Him there? God's not calling all of us to the slums of Cambodia or the Philippines, but if He did, would you go? God's not calling all of us to singleness, but if He did, would you give the hope of marriage up? God's not stripping us of all the blessings He's given, not taking back the promises He's made, but if He did, would you respond in anger or trust?

Obedience is not just for the adventurous at heart. Just because I gave up a year of my life to travel the world doesn't make me more obedient or more faith-filled. Truthfully, my faith is tested more here, my dependence on the Lord is under greater scrutiny. God has asked more of me than He usually does at home. I'm called to love God with the entirety of my being. Am I ready?

[a load of bull]

it seems like there’s no end to this:
you tearing down to build up;
a bigger wall of I’m-rights and your-wrongs.
stop viewing others like innocents
that need taught the realities of life.
they know more about living than you’ll ever know
trapped in your philosophical fizz.

This isn't goodbye...

I'm going to miss Brenna.
A lot.

"You are my fire..." :)

Sometimes others have better words than me. Hence these brilliant thoughts of Seth Barnes appearing on my blog...

How God Guides Us: The Bicycle Principle

A blog reader recently wrote this comment "What happens when God is NOT leading for a Season and you choose a path... NOT knowing if He would choose that for you?" Here was my response:

Bicycles can only be steered once they are rolling forward. A stationary bike doesn't need guidance. So it is between God and us. He wants to guide us, but to do so, we need to be in motion, about His business - touching people on His behalf.

We see God state this as a covenantal proposition in Isaiah 58. The task is to demonstrate to the poor, the hungry, and the oppressed that God cares about them.

God doesn't say, "If you'll do just the basics and look out for your own needs, then I'll guide you." He says, "If you'll spend yourself in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed...then the Lord will guide you always."(Is. 58:10-11)

Why will He guide us? For one thing, we will need His guidance. Ministering to the down and out is hard work.

There are so many; how do we know which to target or how to go about identifying and meeting their needs? We need His guidance.

Over and over the pattern is repeated: God gives His people an assignment for which they are inadequate, then provides what they need. The message: "Go and rescue my people and I will guide you and protect you."

God cares about people and wants to touch them. Jesus' heart burst with compassion when he surveyed the teaming crowds and needy people who seemed like sheep without a shepherd.

But God's plan for demonstrating His compassion has always been a man. He has chosen to work through us "as though God were making His appeal through us" (2 Cor. 5:20).

untitled[2]

I had this whole poem written before and even posted part of it but I felt the need to post the rest of it. I decided I liked it.

there's an inward romance
between these words I sing;
one that you've yet to hear,
but you already know the melody by heart.
the simplicity of our song has been lost,
complicated by what you add;
drowning our harmony with noise
in an attempt to wash away what's true.

the day our song's stripped bare
is drawing nearer each night.
eagerly I wait for the sun to rise,
for your smile to provoke my heart to sing;
and arm in arm in the morning light
we dance to this melody.

your eyes glisten
with the reflection of my love;
love I've only confessed
to our God dwelling in our hearts.
and though He hears me,
you see me,
and together we live this love
into a dance.

pushing away

pushing away what once was
for something more new
surprising, less filling.
the words you wrote
now fade into eternity,
yet, caught on this heart
holding onto what you
definitely don't want.
you've pushed me away.
your wish is fulfilled.
what remains is a shattered heart
and a place where dignity once stood.

Saying what I can't

The words of others that speak to my condition...

"What great gravity is this that drew my soul toward yours? What great force, that though I went falsely, went kicking, went disguising myself to earn your love, also disguised, to earn your keeping, your resting, your staying, your will fleshed into mine, rasped by a slowly revealed truth, the barter of my soul, the soul that I fear, the soul that I loathe, the soul that: if you will love, I will love. I will redeem you, if you will redeem me? Is this our purpose, you and I together to pacify each other, to lead each other toward the lie that we are good, that we are noble, that we need not redemption, save the one that you and I invented of our own clay?

I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I went looking, I wrote out a list, I drew an image, I bled a poem of you. You were pretty, and my friends believed I was worthy of you. You were clever, but I was smarter, perhaps the only one smarter, the only one able to lead you. You see, love, I did not love you, I loved me. And you were only a tool that I used to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeem myself. And though I have taught you to lay your lily hand in mine, I walk alone, for I cannot talk to you, lest you talk it back to me, lest I believe that I am not worthy, not deserving, not redeemed.

I want desperately for you to be my friend. But you are not my friend; you have slid up warmly to the man I wanted to be, the man I pretended to be, and I was your Jesus and, you were mine. Should I show you who I am, we may crumble. I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I want to be known and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human like me, that you are fallen like me, that you are lonely, like me. My love, do I know you? What is this great gravity that pulls us so painfully toward each other? Why do we not connect? Will we be forever in fleshing this out? And how will we with words, narrow words, come into the knowing of each other? Is this God's way of meriting grace, of teaching us of the labyrinth of His love for us, teaching us, in degrees, that which He is sacrificing to join ourselves to Him? Or better yet, has He formed our being fractional so that we might conclude one great hope, plodding and sighing and breathing into one another in such a great push that we might break through into the known and being loved, only to cave into a greater perdition and fall down at His throne still begging for our acceptance? Begging for our completion?

We were fools to believe that we could redeem each other.

Were I some sleeping Adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the garden, to counsel your timid steps, your bewildered eye, your heart so slow to love, so careful to love, so sheepish that I stepped up my aim and became a man. Is this what God intended? That though He made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in so doing revealing Him?

Will we be in ashes before we are one?

What great gravity is this that drew my heart toward yours? What great force collapsed my orbit, my lonesome state? What is this that wants in me the want in you? Don't we go at each other with yielded eyes, with cumbered hands and feet, with clunky tongues? This deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other!

I am quitting this thing, but not what you think. I am not going away.

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.

I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.

God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love,, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us."

the learning curve

I felt like I've learned a lot while working here at the shelter. I know that working third shift probably isn't ideal but it gives you tons of time to sit and think about stuff, to write, and to read. I just wish that I took more advantage of it sometimes. I have the perfect opportunity for growth and I choose to stunt it on a daily basis. I think I'm good at that because I'm human; because I ultimately am capable of destroying any hope at what's best for me. It's a trend I've noticed about myself. There's a trend... or a flow to what goes on here at the shelter too.

It starts about 3:00am when I realize that everyone's asleep but me. This is a tough revelation to deal with because it's about an hour after this that I remember we were made to sleep at night, not to work. It's like my body automatically shuts down about 4:00. Seriously. I've never had this kind of experience on a repeated basis. The only thing I can compare it to is a heroin addict who's trying to get clean and really wants to take a hit. Only I'm a sleep addict who's intentionally depriving himself of his addiction all in the name of I-need-to-pay-the-bills.

And it's about 4:13 in the morning after undergoing the initial depravity-attack that I begin to really desire signs of human life. Sometimes I even wonder if I'm a zombie, a walking corpse without any signs of actual life. I know that when I look through the glass in front of my face that second shift cleaned, I can see my reflection. I almost don't recognize myself with my mouth gaping open and the dried crusty drool caught up in my beard. There's a first-time reaction to this is as well. It usually involves a blank stare and a sudden gasp - an attempt to wake up and breath life back into my manic state.

At 4:30 on the button I decide that I need to get up and walk around. This is a sure-fire way to stretch the energetic athlete dying to get out of my body. It lasts until 4:32 when I'm back by the kitchen and I once again become a walking corpse. I'll typically make my way back to the desk where I sit and try to figure out what I'm going to do. I've gotten into the habit of watching an episode or two of Friends. I have no social life, it seems, so I live it vicariously through fictional television characters. I'm happy to report that I have six friends. They're not a bad substitute for actual human interaction. I sometimes talk to the computer screen. I laugh with them. I cry for me on my behalf.

About 5:45 I like to step outside and take in the morning air. There's something about seeing how everything comes to life in the morning that captivates me. It's dark and rainy this morning, but it's cool to see the sky blossom into dawn, like a seed gently pushing itself out the dirt, it's merely making the way for something beautiful to happen. So I sit on the step out front and eagerly wait to see what's going to happen later in the day because it's got to be beautiful. Like a flower. It's times like these that I feel like a hippie but wait impatiently for life to get a move-on so I can see what's in store.

After stepping back inside my peace is disturbed by a screaming child of a few years. It's okay though. This happens every morning just a smidge after 6:00. He's like an alarm clock, a rooster that's capable of waking everybody up at the same time each morning. I'm actually starting to depend on this kid to kick me in the pants each morning. When he finally leaves the shelter, I'll have to ask one of the teenagers to scream for me. But that just might cause more problems than it's worth.

Around 6:23 the phone starts ringing more repeatedly. It's nothing important. It's usually nobody, well, obviously it's somebody calling, but the phone call has not much importance. Unless it's my boss. That happened yesterday. She told me to get off the phone and go clean. But it's usually around this time that one of the clients comes out of his room to go get coffee and beg for the newspaper that hasn't even come yet. I tell him he can go look for it, which he sometimes does, but it's never there until 1st shift magically brings it in with them. Maybe they buy it...

By 6:56 everyone's pretty much up. I mean everyone... unless they're a married couple because they skip breakfast. Everyone else is sure to be at breakfast though. 7:00. They go get their grub on. It's nice though. This is the best part of the morning. I hated it before. I hate mornings when I first get up anyway. If I woke up with a gun in my hand and you smiled at me I would probably use it against you. Your smile, not the gun. What are you thinking?! Really though, it's just nice to see real people after 4:00am that aren't trapped inside my computer screen.

There's joy in working here though. There's an amazing privilege in getting to see life blossom every morning in these halls. It's like God's creation's stepped inside these walls for even just a few hours, a few moments, and I'm caught up in His grace. The screaming child, morning smiles, and the smell of coffee bring a person into something. Sometimes it's beyond description. Beyond words. Every morning, it's beyond me.

C.S. Lewis

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

The Kingdom [in class notes]

I think that I might have posted this before, but I ran across it and thought that I would share. It's basically notes from class about 3-4 years ago. Interesting how I forgot about it and it came back to me...

The Gospel of Jesus isn’t something that is easily explained, it’s more of something that is witnessed. When Jesus was on Earth, he preached about the Kingdom of God. He said, “Repent, for the Kingdom of God is near.” However, in our day and age, that isn’t what we hear preached in the church. Unfortunately, we hear that Jesus only came to forgive us of our sins or that Jesus was only a great moral teacher. But that wasn’t the case because Jesus was more than just a great moral teacher; he was the Savior of the world. He didn’t just come to teach us about grace, forgiveness, mercy, and show us how we should live our life. He made something that appeared to be completely unattainable within our reach. Jesus was a stud in my opinion. He was God incarnate. That is something that man is unable to do.

The Good News that Jesus proclaimed was the availability of the Kingdom of God; something that is seldom heard of in the church today.

The Kingdom of God is the effective range of God’s power. God, being the Creator and sustainer of life, has rule over the entire Earth and creation. However, the only place that God’s power is limited is within the confines of the human heart. God cannot force us to love him.

Who

The Kingdom of God is God’s Kingdom, simply put. It is the effective range of his power. Jesus preached the availability of the Kingdom of God. It is available to everyone, whether Jew, Greek, prostitute, tax collector, beggar, Pharisee, Priest, etc.

What

The Kingdom of God is God’s Kingdom. It is the effective range of God’s power. The only place that the Kingdom is limited is within the boundaries of the human heart. It is where God rules and reigns, also known as the Kingdom of Heaven. Man had turned what he wanted the Kingdom to be into his own image, blinding all followers to the truth. The system that was in place for the Kingdom of God on Earth was not what God desired, which is why the Kingdom that Jesus preached was rejected. He manifested the Kingdom through the disciples.

Where

“The Kingdom of God is near” is a phrase that Jesus constantly repeated over and over. In some translations it reads that the “Kingdom of God is here.” The Kingdom of God is first seen at the beginning of Creation in the Garden of Eden. The relationship that God had with Adam and Eve was the Kingdom of God, but after the fall, it is also the reason why Jesus returned, to restore that relationship.

When

The Kingdom of God is here.

Why

Why the Kingdom of God?

It had fallen into religious and ethnic captivity.

What are the two Gospels that are most commonly preached in the church today?

The Gospel of the Left views Jesus as a teacher on how to love one another. It appeals to people who think that humans are pretty good. The Gospel on the Right preaches mainly on the forgiveness of sins. It knows that the problem with humanity is sin. However, the problem with these two Gospels is that they’re only half of the message. When a particular church leans only on one of these two Gospels, it is missing what Jesus was really preaching. But preaching only the Gospel of the Left and the Gospel of the Right, growth is stifled within a religious community. It wipes out any chances of spiritual growth, mainly because an individual begins focusing on either their sinfulness, and that becomes their only focus, or that they undermine Jesus and his work on the cross by thinking that his blood wasn’t necessary, but his lessons on life were. The big issue is that the church wouldn’t be trusting Jesus with its life.

How could we go about changing what we do?

We could start shifting the message and start preaching an available “with God” life and show them how to live that life.

What is Grace and how does an individual grow in that Grace?

Grace is God’s action in our life. I can grow in that grace through several different means, such as the spiritual disciplines. However, growing in grace only works within the Kingdom of God. If one tries to practice disciplines outside the Kingdom, it turns into legalism and buries people.

untitled

there's an inward romance
between these words I sing;
one that you've yet to hear,
but you already know the melody by heart.
the simplicity of our song has been lost,
complicated by what you add;
drowning our harmony with noise
in an attempt to wash away what's true.

Dear God #2

I'm tired of this constant,
this feeling of defeat
resonating in the hallows
of my being that You
have stripped bare.
Who knew that nothing
inside of nothing
could manifest such pain,
such sorrow?
A pain and a sorrow that feels
shameful to have
because of my apparent
lack of faith -
or the display of the waning
root that's left?
When will You let Your hand up on
hearts and let them grow?
Let them finally grow
around each other as we stretch
and reach higher
and higher
towards You with the others'
support?
Wait
if it's Your desire,
but a small sign or
inkling of hope and encouragement
would be a welcomed
stranger of nourishment
to this weakening root being tromped
under these feet that oppose me,
these feet of those I consider closest
to the void beckoning
its darkness inside.
But I feel oh so alone
on this vacant battlefield
soaked in my blood,
littered with the empty threats
of my oppressors,
the ones that this sword I am
wielding didn't even lift its
edge to slaughter.
It was my fight that
You stripped from me.
My epic that You've
taken authorship of.
Strangely, in this
holy obedience
I desire to submit.
I give in because I can't water myself
when I'm buried under the earth
covered by the blanket of
those that oppress.

7:51pm

There's so much that I'm starting to question now, especially about myself and why I even believe what I believe. It's like I'm still going through the process where I'm making my faith my own and not my friends' adaptations of it or some obscene ideas of it. I want to make faith something deeper for me, something much more real; because I just know that's what it is. I almost feel that I have the desire sometimes to jump on a spiritual-bandwagon that's become so popular, but I also know that that's not what I'm doing at all. I felt a conviction deep-down inside and I've tried my hardest to not stray from that conviction.

What was the conviction?

Just that the way faith has developed in my life has been very religious, like there's steps involved before we're allowed to go deeper. We've become so clean on the outside that it covers what's really going on on the inside. Christians in America, especially, have become more and more like pharisees that don't know how to do dishes. And frankly, I've grown really sick and tired of it. I don't want a part of it anymore.

I've been really overcome by this idea of chasing after Jesus and latching onto what he's doing here. Church, where I've grown to know it, is really detached from that. My conviction has been to take the words of Christ literally, to heart, and to allow them to drive me to action. I think deep down that the church wants to do that too, but it has become so misled and corrupted. It just took stepping out of it to realize this.

And while it would be easier to sit outside the doors and insult it, my heart wants to see the church cured - to see it purified. I just think that the best way to do that isn't to tell them (to talk about it removed from action - a lot like they already teach on matters of faith), but to show them, to inspire and drive them to change, to actually pursue love as a unified body over all barriers, even denominational ones. There's no denominations in the kingdom of God, so why do we let them be created?

There's a lot to say about Jesus and the message he preached, that he lived out and actually saw come about. But it amazes me how we've allowed our theological and weak interpretations cloud the mission. Jesus' message wasn't a secret, so why do we approach it like it is?

I realize that Jesus spoke in parables, but it wasn't to confuse us. It was necessary to cause us to search deeper, deeper than the Christian message that the world is somehow feeding us through "Christian" circles. And the meaning behind them helps us grasp understanding. Jesus was very clear when he said, "repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." It's at hand?! It's here! What's so confusing about that?

If we follow Jesus' example and just quit talking about following him, I bet you anything that this entire world would be changed in a radical way. That's our problem. We talk about things too much. So let's stop being lazy and do something already.

dinner

my heart is splintered
broken and bleeding
ravaged from pokes
and prods of
your endless feasting

- - - - - - - - - - -

There are sometimes that I think it's easy for anyone and everyone to make their life seem better than what it really is. I'm tired of trying to act like I have it all together and in the last several weeks... months... something... I've been breaking free from that. I'm far from having it together.

And I think there comes a point where we need to force our hearts to be honest with ourselves. It's one of the most difficult things that I think I've ever been through, this season of being able to sit and dwell on my own heart, soul, and mind. I've realized how grimy it really is, how corrupt my thoughts and actions tend to be and I've set out to try to change that.

Unfortunately not everybody seems to understand that. Some people don't seem to be so forgiving to another persons struggle. I'm thinking of specific people, and yes, more than one. It's a shame, really, that some of the people I hold closest to my heart are the ones that I think are truly the farthest from it. And it's not because I'm screaming out for help, but for them to come in and just sit with me for awhile (because sometimes anothers presence is all that I need, personally, although I know that doesn't work for everybody).

I think this is partially why I've felt so alone. It's like everyone's abandoning me. Simultaneously, it's also as if when everyone else leaves my side during the fight, God's presence dwindles until I'm ultimately fighting by myself. Let me tell you: there's nothing more discouraging than feeling as if you're in a fight all alone.

I realize that other things come up and other things are going on, but at the same time, my soul and my heart, my attention, as never been more fiercely battled for than at this time. So I'm sorry to all when my attention's not completely focused on what you want it to be focused on, but I'm trying to preserve my own spirit. The poem - up top there - that's directed towards the devil.

This battle's looking bleak right now because it is as if no one is around. I need some hope, some Light, to restore my strength, but it just flees at the sight of me it seems.

Do you see, do you see, all the people sinking down,

Don't you care, don't you care, are you gonna let them drown,

How can you be so numb, not to care if they come,

You close your eyes and pretend the job's done.

---

Oh Bless me Lord, bless me Lord, you know it's all I ever hear,

No one aches, no one hurts, no one even sheds one tear,

But He cries, He weeps, He bleeds, and He cares for your needs,

And you just lay back and keep soaking it in, oh, can't you see it's such sin?

---

Cause He brings people to your door,

And you turn them away, as you smile and say,

God bless you, be at peace, and all Heaven just weeps,

Cause Jesus came to your door, you've left Him out on the streets.

---

Open up, open up, and give yourself away,

You've seen the need, you hear the cry, so how can you delay,

God's calling and you're the one, but like Jonah you run,

He's told you to speak, but you keep holding it in,

Oh, can't you see it's such sin?

---

The world is sleeping in the dark,

That the church can't fight, cause it's asleep in the light,

How can you be so dead, when you've been so well fed,

Jesus rose from the grave, and you, you can't even get out of bed,

Oh, Jesus rose from the dead, come on, get out of your bed.

---

How can you be so numb, not to care if they come,

You close your eyes and pretend the job's done,

You close your eyes and pretend the job's done,

Don't close your eyes, don't pretend the job's done.

Come away, come away, come away with Me, My love,

Come away, from this mess, come away with Me, My love.

--Keith Green, "Asleep in the Night"