the learning curve

I felt like I've learned a lot while working here at the shelter. I know that working third shift probably isn't ideal but it gives you tons of time to sit and think about stuff, to write, and to read. I just wish that I took more advantage of it sometimes. I have the perfect opportunity for growth and I choose to stunt it on a daily basis. I think I'm good at that because I'm human; because I ultimately am capable of destroying any hope at what's best for me. It's a trend I've noticed about myself. There's a trend... or a flow to what goes on here at the shelter too.

It starts about 3:00am when I realize that everyone's asleep but me. This is a tough revelation to deal with because it's about an hour after this that I remember we were made to sleep at night, not to work. It's like my body automatically shuts down about 4:00. Seriously. I've never had this kind of experience on a repeated basis. The only thing I can compare it to is a heroin addict who's trying to get clean and really wants to take a hit. Only I'm a sleep addict who's intentionally depriving himself of his addiction all in the name of I-need-to-pay-the-bills.

And it's about 4:13 in the morning after undergoing the initial depravity-attack that I begin to really desire signs of human life. Sometimes I even wonder if I'm a zombie, a walking corpse without any signs of actual life. I know that when I look through the glass in front of my face that second shift cleaned, I can see my reflection. I almost don't recognize myself with my mouth gaping open and the dried crusty drool caught up in my beard. There's a first-time reaction to this is as well. It usually involves a blank stare and a sudden gasp - an attempt to wake up and breath life back into my manic state.

At 4:30 on the button I decide that I need to get up and walk around. This is a sure-fire way to stretch the energetic athlete dying to get out of my body. It lasts until 4:32 when I'm back by the kitchen and I once again become a walking corpse. I'll typically make my way back to the desk where I sit and try to figure out what I'm going to do. I've gotten into the habit of watching an episode or two of Friends. I have no social life, it seems, so I live it vicariously through fictional television characters. I'm happy to report that I have six friends. They're not a bad substitute for actual human interaction. I sometimes talk to the computer screen. I laugh with them. I cry for me on my behalf.

About 5:45 I like to step outside and take in the morning air. There's something about seeing how everything comes to life in the morning that captivates me. It's dark and rainy this morning, but it's cool to see the sky blossom into dawn, like a seed gently pushing itself out the dirt, it's merely making the way for something beautiful to happen. So I sit on the step out front and eagerly wait to see what's going to happen later in the day because it's got to be beautiful. Like a flower. It's times like these that I feel like a hippie but wait impatiently for life to get a move-on so I can see what's in store.

After stepping back inside my peace is disturbed by a screaming child of a few years. It's okay though. This happens every morning just a smidge after 6:00. He's like an alarm clock, a rooster that's capable of waking everybody up at the same time each morning. I'm actually starting to depend on this kid to kick me in the pants each morning. When he finally leaves the shelter, I'll have to ask one of the teenagers to scream for me. But that just might cause more problems than it's worth.

Around 6:23 the phone starts ringing more repeatedly. It's nothing important. It's usually nobody, well, obviously it's somebody calling, but the phone call has not much importance. Unless it's my boss. That happened yesterday. She told me to get off the phone and go clean. But it's usually around this time that one of the clients comes out of his room to go get coffee and beg for the newspaper that hasn't even come yet. I tell him he can go look for it, which he sometimes does, but it's never there until 1st shift magically brings it in with them. Maybe they buy it...

By 6:56 everyone's pretty much up. I mean everyone... unless they're a married couple because they skip breakfast. Everyone else is sure to be at breakfast though. 7:00. They go get their grub on. It's nice though. This is the best part of the morning. I hated it before. I hate mornings when I first get up anyway. If I woke up with a gun in my hand and you smiled at me I would probably use it against you. Your smile, not the gun. What are you thinking?! Really though, it's just nice to see real people after 4:00am that aren't trapped inside my computer screen.

There's joy in working here though. There's an amazing privilege in getting to see life blossom every morning in these halls. It's like God's creation's stepped inside these walls for even just a few hours, a few moments, and I'm caught up in His grace. The screaming child, morning smiles, and the smell of coffee bring a person into something. Sometimes it's beyond description. Beyond words. Every morning, it's beyond me.